All the Chapters

One of my dearest, oldest friends passed away recently after a long dance with a difficult cancer. She was a gift on every level, and I miss her a whole lot. I was privileged to be a part of her care and her journey, right up close, all along the way. She was a big supporter of my work and so when I told her, in the last few weeks of her life, that I was having trouble keeping up with my work and hadn’t been as consistent with my newsletter as I’d like, she told me “write about me.”  

I’m not sure yet what it looks like to “write about her”. I do feel ready to write about what I learned from living this shared experience – the experience of the end of life. I guess that’s the same – and different.  

It feels relevant to share this here because I believe life is one big fabric – not separate compartments. The last stage of our life isn’t something off in the corner, it is part of the whole story. Similarly, as I often discuss with clients, and have written about here before – our work life is part of our story – not a separate story. We are the same person, after all. Our experiences are not limited to one role or chapter – they illuminate our whole life.

But, man, they don’t feel ‘illuminating’ in the moment. It feels hard – and heart-pinching. Every day I felt like I was being stretched to a new personal limit – an edge of understanding or awareness – as I tried to walk alongside her. Like many of life’s curves, there was much to navigate – physically, logistically, emotionally – both for her and for her family. Sometimes I could gracefully flow right up to my edge. Other times I was clumsy and imperfect.   

To help steady myself along the way, I decided to capture the insights that I could. And the best way that I knew how to do so was to simply ask the situation to explain itself – have a little conversation with it. Although it might sound strange, I asked the experience, ‘what advice do you have for me on how to go through this stage of life? Teach me some wisdom about the end of life.’ Here’s what came back:

Respect everyone

Stand with open arms

Allow for connection

Speak Up

Rest

Practice deep compassion

Be honest AND kind

Don’t hold too tight

Show up

Make space for all voices

Trust –  yourself and others

Breathe

Show love.  Speak love. Be love.

Be Still

Seek input and insights

Talk out loud

Rely on others

Confide in others

Listen

Ask for what you need

When people tell you what they need, believe them – and follow their invitation

The conversation was robust and flowing. What was often so hard to see in the flow of the situation was all laid out for me – and offered such universal wisdom, applicable to all of life, not just the final stages. Of course, this conversation was tailor-made for me, shaped by my view of the world and my experiences. The other women who were also caring for her would have different conversations. We each brought our own view – and our own superpowers to this situation. 

These words give me direction and I’m trying to keep them front and center. If I can live my life more each day as I tried to live my life under the unique duress of this challenging path, there is so much to gain.