Lose the BUT

Lose the BUT.

You get slammed with so many emails BUT I really want you to keep reading this one.

You get slammed with so many emails AND I really want you to keep reading this one.

Can you feel the difference?  

Lose the BUT. It diminishes what comes before it. I was wholly unaware of how guilty I was of this practice for years. So many of my words – all day long – were a waste of breath. I was saying something and then subconsciously undermining what I said by throwing in a “BUT” and qualifying the statement. Like a giant asterisk adding fine print to my first phrase. In its most egregious form it can sound like the first part of the sentence is being 100% negated. If I say, ‘you did a great job, but…” the BUT is pretty loud. Drowns out the first part of the sentence. 

Here’s the thing – in the example above – you might truly think someone is doing a great job. Here’s the tip – give the listener a chance to catch your true meaning and swap the “BUT” for a powerful “AND”. The amazing thing about switching to AND is that it allows the first part of the idea/sentence/thought AND the second part of the idea/sentence/thought to BOTH be strong. To co-exist. Potentially contrasting ideas living in harmony. Ah the joy. This is important, but it’s hard to do. Wait…I just did it. This idea is important AND hard.

My Crusade  Shortly after I saw the light, I began a personal grammar crusade to shift the BUTs of the world to ANDs. Clients have heard me talk about it, certainly my family tires of hearing about it. And for a long time, the impetus was to correct the subtle, unintentional sinkhole of grammar working at cross-purposes of intent. Anywhere that this subtle change could be made – in writing, in public speaking, in conversations – well, it felt like a tiny victory for more aligned communication.

An Awkward and Impactful Landing  Along the way, I noticed that the changes I made to my phrasing had a big impact on how my words landed. They made a difference in my relationships. It’s like approaching an intersection when driving; you slow down, check the situation and decide how to best go forward. Same with sentences. I pause. And I do a quick evaluation of the situation: do I actually want to use ‘but’, or would ‘and’ work? I go for “And” as often as possible. It can certainly sound awkward to the ear. In the pause AND the emphasis, there is intentionality. If I imagine the thought bubble over our conversation, it’s like the other person is saying, “wait a second, that sounded funny. Oh, see what she did there? She paused and deliberately chose to link those two ideas. She’s letting them co-exist. What might that mean for our discussion?” In the pause and deliberate word choice, there is a strength and a connection. It keeps the dialogue open.  

AND a Personal Shift As I worked to retrain my own habits – and lose the BUT – I noticed how hard my whole self was working. And is still working to this day; retraining old habits in my brain and body takes time. Which leads me to the broader ‘aha’. Changing the word doesn’t only change how it is heard and how it goes out into the world, it changes me. I can feel it every time I pause mid-sentence……catching myself to be deliberate in my conjunction of choice. There’s a physical shift inside me each time I make this choice. I am choosing a more complex option. A wider range of possibility. Choice is freedom, and in making careful word choices I am very intentionally holding myself in a more open stance. Does that make sense? It’s powerful to recognize the paradox AND the possibility in having both pieces of the idea be stated affirmatively.

Ready to try?

Start to tune into the word BUT….and every time you hear yourself say “but” – STOP. Grind to a halt.

Say the sentence again with an “and”. It might feel awkward. The listener might look at you funny. AND, you will start to feel the impact.

Rinse. Repeat. While it may never be an automatic reflex, it will get easier over time.

It’s a new habit, so tap into your prior successes. How do you best support yourself when implementing something new? Talk about it with others, enlist a friend, partner as a reminder, set up a system to track your progress. You know best what works for you.