Gum on Your Shoe

Once upon a time, you worked somewhere that wasn’t a great fit. I wish you didn’t but I bet you did.

So, while perhaps no fun, let’s go there for a minute – to your Last Day:

….you packed up your belongings – a coffee mug, some photos, maybe a plant or two – and said your farewells. Unbeknownst to you, nestled in the box were some undesirable stowaways. Like gum on the bottom of your shoe, without you realizing it, a whole bunch of old stories had attached to your sole (pun intended) and were marching right out the door of the building with you. Unconsciously invited to your new adventure.

Ok, so, you begin your new chapter full of possibility and high hopes. A few months go by, and you settle in. Then one day, very sneakily, the stowaways surface and begin to hijack your thoughts. Without even realizing it, you start to make assumptions about how a situation will unfold. Something doesn’t go the way you expect and, in a millisecond, you color in the next steps – based on how things used to go in your previous situation.   

Here’s an example: let’s say you worked somewhere before that had a lot of internal competition. Departments built fortresses with protective moats designed to keep collaboration at bay. So, without even knowing it, you may carry this defensive posture forward and, without justification, you may appear skeptical or distrustful of others in your new spot – warranted or not.  

Whatever the example, the old stories can make it nearly impossible to really believe in the new possibilities. They cloud the vision. And these old stories are loud. They aren’t the small idiosyncrasies – they are the big examples that probably made you want to leave the last job. How upsetting!  

The next hazard is that you will likely – subconsciously – now go looking for evidence to prove that this job is no different than its predecessor. And, when you look for evidence to support your view – your belief – well, chances are you will find it. The surest way for the old story to become your current story is to believe that it will. The train is running away now – your stories are creating your reality.   

I feel you nodding. You’ve done this. We all have. With jobs, with relationships, with experiences. I’ve definitely painted a new situation or relationship with an old dirty paintbrush. It wasn’t pretty – nor was it fair.  

So, what other approaches are available to you? Here’s some options for you – try one, try many!

Shine the light in the box. What did you bring with you that you want to bring? And what snuck in there that you want to move away from? List them out – everything that was present in the old situation – the expectations, unwritten rules, cultural normal, behaviors – the ones you want to move away from. Get ‘em all down. Take a look – anything to salvage? Ok. Do so. Maybe reframe them as a positive. And then Get Rid of the Rest. Throw the paper away – better yet, burn it! Send it off in a balloon. Erase the file.  

Return to now. Chances are that your assumptions have now accelerated your dissatisfaction or confusion. There’s likely a natural disconnect between where your mind has taken you and where the other characters in your world are living. Ever walked into a conversation already three steps ahead of the person you are talking to? Meaning you’ve jumped to an imaginary version of why they said something, what they’ll say next, and what they must mean. And you might even be already mad (pre-mad), even though the conversation hasn’t even started yet? Stop. Pull back. And come to the present.  

Open up conversation. Pretty please take away the mystery for others. If you find yourself carrying something that doesn’t belong in the new situation – share it with those around you. Not only will they better understand why your behavior goes sideways without warning :), they can also support you in coming back to this new reality.

Shift your focus. The longer you stay focused on what is going sideways, the more examples you will find to support that view. And the harder it will be to see what is going well. So….go look for proof to the contrary! Remember the reasons that you made this move in the first place. And gather examples that reinforce the positive view.    

The truth is that you are in the new. That’s real. You are getting up each day and going to the new job, working for the new boss, beginning a new relationship. You can be there with fresh eyes, mind and heart or you can invite the old story to join you and act as your blinder. You have created something new – how are you going to live in it? Remember that you have a choice – you always do.